Open Letter To Karisa...

FRIENDS
Michael W. Smith

Packing up the dreams
God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say "never"
Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)

- = o O o = -

Inasmuch as I would like to put the words into poetry, I can't seem to get the words out. So, I figured, since this song captures what I want to say, then maybe I should just post it.

Today is the last day of my Sissy, Kari. Early tomorrow, she will be boarding a plane bound for the City of Angels, Los Angeles. And I can't bring myself to say goodbye to her. I just can't.

She's out having lunch with our common friends right now, and I chose, despite the condemning glances and threats of Madz, not to go. How could I? I can't even look her in the eye.

I was shocked when she stopped over the office today. I didn't expect her to be there. Like a bolt of lightning, and as swift as the wind, my defensive wall shot up. Again, I completely & utterly ignored her... Despite the fact that I wanted to hug her right then and there.

I knew I had to keep myself in check. I don't want to feel like a crying shame again. Once was enough. And that one time was enough for me to be embarrassed for my entire lifetime.

Since she isn't here with me, and I know I can't tell her this face-to-face, I'd just like to share my open letter to her.

- = o O o = -

Kari,

Again, I am so deeply sorry. Damn this friendship, right? Even when I don't intend to hurt you, I still do. Though I know you consider our friendship as one of the best you've had, I still doubt its strength and endurance. I don't blame you if you don't want to speak with me anymore. I'll understand. I just hope that you'll understand me as well.

I still consider you as one of my BEST friends. One who has touched my heart in so many ways. One who I'll forever remember and keep in my soul. Our memories will forever be here... In my heart, my mind, my soul. Forever a part of me.

Though I may seem bitter and dejected right now, deep inside, this is still me, your Big Sissy. The one who'll give her life for you. The one who'll always be there when you need somebody to talk to.

I am dying to talk to you, but this shame and melancholy is stopping me. Is it really shame and melancholy, or is it pride?!? Whatever it is, I'd still love to talk to you.

I'll be missing you. Stay in touch. Always keep God in your heart. Here's to you and to our friendship. I love you, my Little Sissy.
________________________
Elaine

Senti, Or Mental?!?

Since I can't bring myself to sleep, let me bring you behind the sob story I mentioned in my earlier post...

As evidenced by my preceding entries, I have been, and still quite, affected by the premature departure of my dear friend, Karisa, for the United States.

All sense and discernment tells me to get over it, and that there are still a lot of opportunities for our paths to cross. But my stubborn brain refuses to accept it. My head blocked out all reason, that my emotions and my heart let itself loose, and took over my being.

The last 2-3 weeks I've been in a roller coaster of emotions that affected my physical well-being. I couldn't eat or sleep. When I did eat, I'd vomit it all out, and I'd be nauseous the whole day.

My once-dormant mood swings suddenly showed its ugly head and erupted into a dizzying maelstrom of sentiments and emotions intertwining and tangling with each other. In one minute I'd be very chatty & bubbly, the next, I'd be spaced-out and dazed. I'd be perky and happy, then, I'd be nonplussed and floored.

There was a time that I intentionally pushed Kari & Camille away, but I'd end up crying about it. I ignored them for the purpose of the Video Presentation I gave them as a parting gift, but somehow, it started to ring true.

I started to slowly build a wall between me and Kari. I wanted to cherish and relish every moment I had with her, all the memories that we could still make together, but I became more wary. Paranoid, if you will. I often thought that this will all mean nothing to her, so why bother much. But on the flipside, I was happy with the short time that we spent together.

This was why most of our friends thought I was a little "over-the-top" with how I was reacting to everything. Some even thought I acted like a jealous boyfriend, or someone who just lost a boyfriend... Well, duh! Goes to show you people don't know how deep my friendship was with Karisa.

Our friendship went beyond mere companionship, drinking and chirpy laughter. She was more like a blood-sister to me. Kari is a little sister I'd kill to have. My sister is far more independent than I am, so I never really had the chance to protect her. And Kari was this fragile little girl that I soon considered as my Little Sister. She knows I'd protect her, and damn it, I will! She's one of the handful of people I would trust my life with and could ever open up to. And believe you me, I never opened up to anybody as much as I had with Karisa.

After her last day at work, we had our last "drinking" party at Kari's house. I held my emotions in check, until the inevitable happened. Fueled by several glasses of Vodka Sprites, the floodgate of tears opened. While accompanying Kari to the Changing Room, I couldn't stop myself from pouring out my sentiments.

Damn! What a sorry sight! I couldn't help myself, nor could I blame my weakness at that time. I was literally a crying shame! I poured out the sadness that enveloped me from the time that Karisa's evident departure sank in. I held on to my emotional reins tightly for so long, that I totally lost control that time.

I began to intimate the previous heart-breaks I've had with some of my closest friends from the recent past and related them with the one that I'm currently sharing with Kari.

I know it's stupid, but I couldn't help myself to compare what I've gone through with my other friends, because in my heart, I knew, sooner or later, my friendship with Kari may end up the same way... Put on the side burner, discarded and forgotten. And I don't want that. I've put myself out there not to get burned in a friendship I've nurtured with my whole heart.

Try, as Kari and Madz may, to appease and assure me that it would never happen between us, I couldn't help but think that it would. I didn't want to count upon and expect for something that could not materialize. I know I'll just end up flat on my face. And that is one thing I'm trying to minimize.

Since the party, and my awful display of "senti" or "mentality," I haven't had a decent word with Kari, and its driving me nuts. Madz knows I'm so "aning" about it.

Now, as much as I am hating it, I am in the throes of bitterness. I am trying to block out my emotions, by masking my sadness with antipathy. I don't want to care, so that I could no longer feel the pain of caring too much. I don't want to think that our friendship will eventually go down the drain, and into the vaults of the forgotten past.

At work today, I was thankful for the never-ending queue of calls flowing in. It kept me busy and kept my mind from wandering off to the events and the things that I'd rather forget. Well, that was until Madz came to work and we had a small chat.

That chit-chat prompted me to post my earlier entry for today. I had to let out a big breather. Now, I have.

Saturday morning, Kari has scheduled a lunch for our Tranche. Like what I told Madz, I don't even know if I would go. He threatened to bash my face in, if you could believe that! I knew he was kidding, of course! But, seriously, I don't think I could face Karisa, after all that drama. Unless she forces me to go, I won't... I think.

Pray for me, my friends. Pray that I don't fall into the dark pits of bitterness. I'd really hate for my friendship with Kari to end that way. So help me God!

Now, off to la-la-land! Zzzzzzzzz... (Goodness! It took me an hour & a half to write this!!!)

Heart Over Head

I am forever a victim of going with my heart instead of my head.

You see, I am always very reasonable when things do not involve me, directly. But when I'm partially or outrightly concerned, it's different. I tend to get pretty emotional and quite nonsensical. I totally go against my better judgment.

I know we have to live without regrets, and learn from the things that we do rue over. But thing is, I'm too stubborn for that. Darnit! I never seem to learn. Then, I end up bitter, disturbed, depressed and aggrieved. Sad, I know.

My dear friend, Madz, has been a really great help in reminding me not to be bitter about things that have been happening to my life, and he's been pretty supportive about everything.

Unfortunately, not everyone seems to understand how I'm feeling. Some think I am way over my head. Some even think that I'm crazy.

Hah! You ain't seen crazy, people! What's more disturbing is that these things, these "observations" come from people I consider as friends. See how people think they know you when they don't?

What makes me laugh out loud in utter, yet tasteless, amazement, is that these people think I'm going "gay" or something. What the F?!? Excuse my French, but Bullshit! Hahahaha! If you ain't Angelina Jolie, forget about me going gay! Hahahaha!

There's a sentimental, yet regretful and sorry, story behind this gibberish, which I may have to post at a later time (Read: Maybe Never!). But if, and when, I do, you might think it's awfully petty.

I gotta go run home and maybe figure out if I should post the story behind this. I'm already over-staying at the office for nothing. So... Wait and see...

The Sissies I'll Miss Most

In my last post, I lamented on the 2 Closest Friends I have in HSBC, Camille and Karisa. Well, for those who are interested to know how my 2 Best Sissies look like, here they are.

Camzy, Kari & Me

The Day Before The Kari-Camille Project Took Off, & The Drama Began...

My Little Sissies Who I'll Miss The Most...

Since last Thursday, I've been in full depression mode. Those sleepless days, unexplained appetite loss, and profuse nausea & vomitting, finally took it's toll on me. Added with the fact that it'll be Kari's last day at work on Monday, I feel like I'm dying slowly inside.

I was unable to go to work on Thursday, and almost missed the Going Away Party for Camzy & Kari. If not for the video presentation I have prepared for them, I wouldn't really go to the party. I couldn't even get off bed! At the party, I couldn't eat or even drink, save for the Sprite that Madz gave me, so that I wouldn't get too dehydrated. I was running a temperature, too.

Next day, when I got to work, I was still groggy from the meds I took, and I lost any cohesiveness in my voice. I think it's because of too much vomitting that my voice got very hoarse. I eventually got the permission from my Supervisors & the office Clinic to go home.

Is this due to the severe depression I'm going through right now? I'm so depressed 'coz my time with my 2 Sissies are dwindling, and I am uncertain whether I'd be seeing them in the future. I will definitely miss these 2 because they have become closer to me than my own sister ever did. (Sorry, Pam!).

My mom's all like, "That's why I told you not to get too close to your friends." How could I not get close to them?!? Kari & I share a lot of things with each other that we don't even share with our other Sissies. We also have our work stations right beside each other, and have the same breaks & rest days. And Camille is someone who's so mysterious to me, and it really draws me to her as a good friend. She's also someone who I share breaks with.

Had I not developed this bond with them, I'd have given up on HDPP life.

I know that in God's time, I will heal, but the memories will still remain embedded in my heart forever.

I will miss you guys terribly...

Hating Goodbyes

GOODBYE
SPICE GIRLS

No no no no
No no no no
No no no no

Listen little child, there will come a day
When you will be able, able to say
Never mind the pain, or the aggravation
You know there's a better way, for you and me to be

Look for a rainbow in every storm
Fly like an angel, heaven sent to me

Goodbye my friend
(I know you're gone, You said you're gone,
but I can still feel you here)
It's not the end
(I gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear)

So glad we made it, time will never change it - No no no

No no no no

Just a little girl, big imagination
Never letting no-one take it away
Went into the world, what a revelation
She found there's a better way for you and me to be

Look for a rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain, love's gonna be there for you
You'll always be someone's baby

Goodbye my friend
(I know you're gone, You said you're gone,
but I can still feel you here)
It's not the end
(I gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear)

So glad we made it, time will never change it
No no no no
You know it's time to say goodbye
No no no no

(Bridge)
The times when we would play about
The way we used to scream and shout
We never dreamt you'd go your own sweet way

Look for a rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain love's gonna be there for you
You'll always be someone's baby

Goodbye my friend
(I know you're gone, You said you're gone,
but I can still feel you here)
It's not the end
(I gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear)

So glad we made it time will never never ever change it

(No no no no)
You know it's time to say goodbye
(No no no no)
And don't forget you can rely

(No no no no)
you know it's time to say goodbye
(No no no no)
and don't forget on me you can rely

(No no no no)
I will help, help you on your way

(No no no no)
I will be with you every day
(No no no no)
I will be with you every day...

I have previously posted here that I have found a group of friends in my new workplace, and so far, I've been having a blast with all of them. They have made my stay at HDPP a very pleasant one. They motivate me to go to work everyday.

Now, 2 of these friends of mine are leaving to find themselves and to find brighter futures. Unfortunately, for me, these 2 turn out to be my most closest friends.

Karisa. Our Baby Girl. My Best Sissy. My Heart-To-Heart Partner. She's leaving for the US at the end of the month, uncertain whether she'd ever be coming back. She's aiming to find herself there. Though I am terribly heart-broken by her decision, I know it would, ultimately, turn out to be for her betterment. She's been a lot confused lately, and I know she needs this break so much. I just wish she would come back as a stronger, more independent person.

Camille. Our Most Independent & Intelligent Sissy. Just when we're getting a lot more closer, her family decides to put her back to the academe to finish Law School. She's already got 2 Terms of Law School under her belt, but she decided to find herself by plunging into the world of the Working Class. I certainly hope that her short endeavor with us, at HDPP, has led her to find more about herself than if she hadn't tried to work with us.

I would bet all my limbs that I would be going to a helluva deep depression, when these girls leave HDPP. They were the ones I shared breaks, long talks and thoughts with, for the last month and a half. Our bonds are the strongest I've ever had with anyone (besides my BLD Friends).

Kari & Camzy, I just hope you guys will always remember that you've got a friend right here who's always going to support and miss you. I'm always just a Phone Call, Text Message and Email away. I pray that you will find yourselves and your happiness in your new endeavors. Embrace it with open arms, and take it all in. Learn from your experiences and live your life to the full. Love you guys so much. I will miss you like crazy! God bless!