Community And Me

I am severely peeved at my father, right now. (Was there ever a time that I wasn't?!?)

Last night, on the way home, we talked about how my brother recently took the Singles' Encounter in San Francisco. I expressed my indifference for taking that said encounter and told him about my estrangement towards engaging into a religious community.

My family has been in a religious community for more than 10 years. My involvement in the community was initally forced by my parents on us, the children. As the years progressed, we found friends in that community and our Saturdays were for Prayer Meetings and what not.

4 or 5 Years into the community, I found myself wanting more out of life. I found that I didn't have a life outside of the community. This frustrated me, incessantly.

When I tried to live life, I felt bound and restricted by the teachings and what-not of the community. Everyone I knew from community, especially my Parents, would start to preach that this and this were "Not of the Lord." That being of the world is not being of the Lord.

In hindsight, there were a number of people in our community who do not live by what they preached. And yet, they look at people with judgement when they find that that person did not live up to the standards and morals of what was taught in community. Brings out the "H" word.

Even some of the people I considered as my friends would look at me with judging eyes, making me feel unworthy of being in the community. This hurt a lot.

Feeling judged and seeing the hypocrisy of it all, I decided to distance myself from the community. Since the thrust of the community was for a more pro-active relationship with God, I chose to have that relationship in a way that is just between me and my God.

Expressing these sentiments to my father last night, he got defensive. Why wouldn't he, I thought to myself, he was one of the hypocrites. He preached, but did not exercise what he exhorted. He said he tried to show us to a better way of life, but he did not display the attributes he supposedly acquired in this "better way of life." He wasn't being a good example to us, so why should I believe that this was the better way. Had he been more true to his being a Renewed Christian, maybe I wouldn't be this way.

He said I was a non-conformist. Was I? I just wanted to be a regular Catholic. A church-going, sacrament-receiving, personal-praying Catholic. Not one who was to confine herself to a more restrictive community. I just want to exercise my relationship with my God in a manner that does not have to been seen by the people around me. Is that wrong?

I am only accountable to my God. When I die, it will not be my earthly father who would judge me... It would be MY GOD.