A few posts back, I mentioned about having quite a problem connecting or catching up with the people from my past. This means the people from my previous work, from College, and more particularly, those from High School.
Before I begin, let me just forewarn you that the following post is angst-ridden. So please indulge me...
I have never been a very social person. I'm painfully shy and silent when faced with something new. But apparently, my diffidence comes off to people as being indifferent and unfriendly. It is because of this that I've lived a solitary life in High School.
High School at the De La Salle Zobel was the worst 4 years of my entire existence. I barely had any friends in High School, and thanks to my batchmates, I had Zero Self-Esteem. Oh the price I had to pay to transfer schools!
I hated my High School life. I hate it still. I know hate is such a strong word, but it is just the way I feel. I was dissed in all those 4 years, man! I never really felt welcomed in Zobel. Don't get me wrong, I liked my teachers. Yes, even the meanies! They were good to me. Thank goodness!
Why do I feel dissed? Why am I so bitter against these people? Hmmm... Why nga ba?
Well, first off, they were not very accommodating. Yes, I did encounter some friendly people, but some of the people they were friends with, weren't. So... Nothing.
Then, there were the annoying people, who were "Outcasts" of the batch. Though I was also an outcast, I wasn't as annoying as they were. I was more of the silent type. I'd keep to myself, for fear of being ostracized even more. I didn't mingle with them, but I didn't shun them, either.
I remember eating alone on the benches along the walkway to the canteen, or behind the Grade One Classrooms, near the playground.
Whenever Bro. Felix was in his office, I'd be greatly relieved. I'd eat in his office and play Cards with him and all those little kids mulling around his room. At least I wouldn't look like a stupid moron eating alone in full view of everybody.
I also remember being picked last in every group activity. I felt like a good ball-player that none of the teams wanted. I was only picked when they had no choice, and when no other people were available. Just great! Sometimes, I'd end up doing a group activity alone! Nice!
I took these all in stride. I didn't let it eat me alive. I didn't let it bother me much. All I knew was that I had to get through the day, and get on with life. And I did.
I was able to survive these tumultuous times by writing letters to my friends and cousins. Long letters at that. My binders were filled with pages of notes addressed to people outside the school. I wrote about good things and how much I've missed them. I never let them know how much distressed I was at school.
It also helped that I was already with the Bukas Loob Sa Diyos (BLD) Youth Ministry at that time. I was able to turn to God when I felt like giving up. I looked to Him in the silence around me, during those alone times at Lunch. I was living a dejected life, but I did not mind. I found the comfort and friendship I was looking for, from my Schoolmates, in God and in my friends in Community.
But having solace in God didn't come without a price, which I didn't mind paying. I was branded as a Goody-goody. I was the Bible-Bearing "Madre From St. Scho." (Nun from St. Scholastica's). It gave me a harder time in school, but I didn't care. My faith in God held me up.
I thought I would be able to graduate High School without shedding a solitary tear out of desolation. But one event really shook off the last ounce of Self-Esteem I had, and left me in a total mess. I remember the day clearly as if it was only yesterday.
It was our Senior Year Retreat. It was supposedly for the bonding of our Class. It was designed for everyone to make amends with their past and their present, in preparation for our futures.
Since it was an Overnight Event, we were asked to choose a roommate. There would be 2 people in 1 Room. Of course, your roomie has to be of the same sex (duh!). And unfortunately for the girls, there would be a room that would have to be shared by 3 people. During the room assignments, I was absent (due to stress-induced asthma), which left me no choice but to be the odd one out, as usual.
A few days before the Retreat, one of my classmates, let's call her C, approached me and asked if I already had a room to stay at during the retreat. I said no, and C quickly offered to take me in. I was relieved, knowing that I now had somewhere to sleep in during the Retreat. I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor, as long as I had a room to sleep in.
On the day of the Retreat, we were given the keys to our rooms. C handed me the keys to our room and told me to go on ahead and settle in as they would be hanging out with their friends before they come up. I went to the room, placed my things neatly on the dresser and left enough space for C and our other roommate.
The day wore on with our activities and reflections. After the last activity, we all came up to turn in. Most of the class were still wide awake and jumping between rooms. I stayed in our room beacuse C and the other roomie did not have the keys.
A knock came to the door and it was C. She was already in her sleepwear. I didn't notice that her things and the other roomie's weren't in the dresser. I was in the middle of reading the Retreat Letters that my friends from the community gave me, when C came in.
She sat at the bed across from mine and gently spoke. She told me that they were bunking with our other classmates, a few doors down the hall. She said that some people told them something about me, but C didn't expound on it. It was enough for her and the other roomie to ask their friends if they could bunk with them.
With a calm and composed face, I said it was alright and that I understood. My heart wanted to explode right then and there. C apologized and subsequently left the room. I locked the door just as the tears started to roll down my face.
When I got back to bed, my body was already shaking violently with heavy sobs. Never in my life have I felt so betrayed and so humiliated. I broke down! I felt that no one could ever console me at that point. I wanted to go home badly. I sobbed through the pillows so that no one would hear through the thin walls.
Then, I remembered the letters I got. I mustered all my strength to pull them out and read them. As I read each one, I felt my body rocking the bed as I cried. Each letter, from my friends in Community, expressed the love, affection and appreciation I have never received from any of my Classmates. I cried long and hard, because I was bewildered at how these people, who I only see once a week, knew more about me, appreciated and loved me. And here were the people I spent everyday with, reducing me to such an abominable person, without even bothering to know who I really was.
Suffice it to say, my Senior Retreat did nothing for me but crush my spirits. Thank goodness it was almost the end of the school year when that happened, so I was still able to drag myself through the next few weeks. The love and appreciation of my friends from Community gave me enough strength and will to move on.
When graduation came, I was more than elated... I was relieved! I did not have to see any of my persecutors again and they would not be able to undermine me anymore. I can now start a new life in College.
In all fairness, there were a handful of my Batchmates who were very kind to me and even became my friends. The people from Zobel who made my brief stay bearable, still remain special to me (though they may not know it), and I thank them with all my heart. The least I can do, is to acknowledge their generous spirit and their unconditional friendship. So I say thanks to Frederick Halcon, Janet Guinto, April Yu, Gerrie delos Reyes, Dominique Tuazon, Bjorn Buenaventura, and Clemens Sabitsana. There are some more people who were nice to me in those 4 years, but the names escape me at the moment.
Honestly, if I didn't have a relationship with God at that time, I would have given up a long time before. But the Lord gave me the strength, resolution and courage to face my every day. He held me up, when I felt that I couldn't go through anymore. He shielded and toughed me up, so that I wouldn't get hurt. And I survived a harsh Self-Esteem ravaging, because I had the Lord to back me up.
Now, I am stronger because of all this. I no longer am the passive, mousy outcast who lets everyone sideswipe me. Not anymore. Lol!
Before I begin, let me just forewarn you that the following post is angst-ridden. So please indulge me...
I have never been a very social person. I'm painfully shy and silent when faced with something new. But apparently, my diffidence comes off to people as being indifferent and unfriendly. It is because of this that I've lived a solitary life in High School.
High School at the De La Salle Zobel was the worst 4 years of my entire existence. I barely had any friends in High School, and thanks to my batchmates, I had Zero Self-Esteem. Oh the price I had to pay to transfer schools!
I hated my High School life. I hate it still. I know hate is such a strong word, but it is just the way I feel. I was dissed in all those 4 years, man! I never really felt welcomed in Zobel. Don't get me wrong, I liked my teachers. Yes, even the meanies! They were good to me. Thank goodness!
Why do I feel dissed? Why am I so bitter against these people? Hmmm... Why nga ba?
Well, first off, they were not very accommodating. Yes, I did encounter some friendly people, but some of the people they were friends with, weren't. So... Nothing.
Then, there were the annoying people, who were "Outcasts" of the batch. Though I was also an outcast, I wasn't as annoying as they were. I was more of the silent type. I'd keep to myself, for fear of being ostracized even more. I didn't mingle with them, but I didn't shun them, either.
I remember eating alone on the benches along the walkway to the canteen, or behind the Grade One Classrooms, near the playground.
Whenever Bro. Felix was in his office, I'd be greatly relieved. I'd eat in his office and play Cards with him and all those little kids mulling around his room. At least I wouldn't look like a stupid moron eating alone in full view of everybody.
I also remember being picked last in every group activity. I felt like a good ball-player that none of the teams wanted. I was only picked when they had no choice, and when no other people were available. Just great! Sometimes, I'd end up doing a group activity alone! Nice!
I took these all in stride. I didn't let it eat me alive. I didn't let it bother me much. All I knew was that I had to get through the day, and get on with life. And I did.
I was able to survive these tumultuous times by writing letters to my friends and cousins. Long letters at that. My binders were filled with pages of notes addressed to people outside the school. I wrote about good things and how much I've missed them. I never let them know how much distressed I was at school.
It also helped that I was already with the Bukas Loob Sa Diyos (BLD) Youth Ministry at that time. I was able to turn to God when I felt like giving up. I looked to Him in the silence around me, during those alone times at Lunch. I was living a dejected life, but I did not mind. I found the comfort and friendship I was looking for, from my Schoolmates, in God and in my friends in Community.
But having solace in God didn't come without a price, which I didn't mind paying. I was branded as a Goody-goody. I was the Bible-Bearing "Madre From St. Scho." (Nun from St. Scholastica's). It gave me a harder time in school, but I didn't care. My faith in God held me up.
I thought I would be able to graduate High School without shedding a solitary tear out of desolation. But one event really shook off the last ounce of Self-Esteem I had, and left me in a total mess. I remember the day clearly as if it was only yesterday.
It was our Senior Year Retreat. It was supposedly for the bonding of our Class. It was designed for everyone to make amends with their past and their present, in preparation for our futures.
Since it was an Overnight Event, we were asked to choose a roommate. There would be 2 people in 1 Room. Of course, your roomie has to be of the same sex (duh!). And unfortunately for the girls, there would be a room that would have to be shared by 3 people. During the room assignments, I was absent (due to stress-induced asthma), which left me no choice but to be the odd one out, as usual.
A few days before the Retreat, one of my classmates, let's call her C, approached me and asked if I already had a room to stay at during the retreat. I said no, and C quickly offered to take me in. I was relieved, knowing that I now had somewhere to sleep in during the Retreat. I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor, as long as I had a room to sleep in.
On the day of the Retreat, we were given the keys to our rooms. C handed me the keys to our room and told me to go on ahead and settle in as they would be hanging out with their friends before they come up. I went to the room, placed my things neatly on the dresser and left enough space for C and our other roommate.
The day wore on with our activities and reflections. After the last activity, we all came up to turn in. Most of the class were still wide awake and jumping between rooms. I stayed in our room beacuse C and the other roomie did not have the keys.
A knock came to the door and it was C. She was already in her sleepwear. I didn't notice that her things and the other roomie's weren't in the dresser. I was in the middle of reading the Retreat Letters that my friends from the community gave me, when C came in.
She sat at the bed across from mine and gently spoke. She told me that they were bunking with our other classmates, a few doors down the hall. She said that some people told them something about me, but C didn't expound on it. It was enough for her and the other roomie to ask their friends if they could bunk with them.
With a calm and composed face, I said it was alright and that I understood. My heart wanted to explode right then and there. C apologized and subsequently left the room. I locked the door just as the tears started to roll down my face.
When I got back to bed, my body was already shaking violently with heavy sobs. Never in my life have I felt so betrayed and so humiliated. I broke down! I felt that no one could ever console me at that point. I wanted to go home badly. I sobbed through the pillows so that no one would hear through the thin walls.
Then, I remembered the letters I got. I mustered all my strength to pull them out and read them. As I read each one, I felt my body rocking the bed as I cried. Each letter, from my friends in Community, expressed the love, affection and appreciation I have never received from any of my Classmates. I cried long and hard, because I was bewildered at how these people, who I only see once a week, knew more about me, appreciated and loved me. And here were the people I spent everyday with, reducing me to such an abominable person, without even bothering to know who I really was.
Suffice it to say, my Senior Retreat did nothing for me but crush my spirits. Thank goodness it was almost the end of the school year when that happened, so I was still able to drag myself through the next few weeks. The love and appreciation of my friends from Community gave me enough strength and will to move on.
When graduation came, I was more than elated... I was relieved! I did not have to see any of my persecutors again and they would not be able to undermine me anymore. I can now start a new life in College.
In all fairness, there were a handful of my Batchmates who were very kind to me and even became my friends. The people from Zobel who made my brief stay bearable, still remain special to me (though they may not know it), and I thank them with all my heart. The least I can do, is to acknowledge their generous spirit and their unconditional friendship. So I say thanks to Frederick Halcon, Janet Guinto, April Yu, Gerrie delos Reyes, Dominique Tuazon, Bjorn Buenaventura, and Clemens Sabitsana. There are some more people who were nice to me in those 4 years, but the names escape me at the moment.
Honestly, if I didn't have a relationship with God at that time, I would have given up a long time before. But the Lord gave me the strength, resolution and courage to face my every day. He held me up, when I felt that I couldn't go through anymore. He shielded and toughed me up, so that I wouldn't get hurt. And I survived a harsh Self-Esteem ravaging, because I had the Lord to back me up.
Now, I am stronger because of all this. I no longer am the passive, mousy outcast who lets everyone sideswipe me. Not anymore. Lol!
5 comments:
have you seen that movie with Rose Mc Gowan Jawbreaker and Lindsay Lohan's Mean Girls? These two movies are perfect examples of how people can be totally mean and cruel in high school.
I'm glad you became a better person after the whole thing!
Duke - Well, I sure was happy after High School. And of course, you were one of the Special People who made me feel loved and appreciated! Salamat talaga sa BLD Youth! Thank God din kasi he let me take everything in and turned it into something that could help me. Siguro kaya malakas ang loob kong mang-gera ngayon... Lol! Just kidding!
duke- I'm blessed with you friednship as well even if we seldom see each other I know our friendship remains the same. o wag mo na gerahin yung pinay na na meet ko! patience my dear :)
Hi elaine! this is eric. i feel privileged to be your friend back in high school. i didnt know these things until now. if you feel the need to talk, please dont hesitate to contact me. im just a phone call away. take care always! God bless! :)
Duke - Don't worry, she's much too far for me to "gera" her. Lol! I miss you din, sobra! Sayang we weren't able to hang out when you were here. Next time!
Eric - Don't worry, Fredo, I've moved on. I just wanted to vent. Na-inspire ako sa post mo about Alanis Morrissette eh. Lol! Kasalanan mo!!! Joke! Labas tayo minsan!
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