February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day is just another day for me... Just another day of going through the daily routine of my life. And the only major event of my Valentine's Day was my Pediatric Nursing Midterm Exam. A major event, yes... yet a very disappointing one at that. I studied very hard, yet all the questions were like foreign language to me.

Enough dwelling on the Exam... I guess I just have to let it be.

Back to my lackluster Valentine's Day. I really hate days like these... They say Love is in the Air... Pray tell! Where does this air circulate? I seem to have never felt its breeze. These days leave me wondering if there is really something seriously wrong with me.

Am I scarred? Am I that horrendously uninteresting? Is my Mom the only real person who loves me? Do I have a warning sign on my forehead that says "Stay Away!!!"? What is wrong with me? Am I really that unattractive?!?

Depressing, I know.

I console myself with the thought that guys here in the Philippines can't handle me. That men here aren't ready for me. That they are intimidated of me. But why?

Sometimes, in my frustration regarding the state of my love life, or lack thereof, I'd think that maybe... just maybe... I might be better off liking women as well. But my better judgment & my heart tells me otherwise. Not that I have anything against same sex partners. I respect their choices & their happiness. Its just that I was not built that way. It just gets so frustrating sometimes.

I'd really like to be able to feel that warm, tingling feeling at the pit of my stomachabout someone. To hold that someone's hand & to find comfort in the silence between us. But alas! I guess the good Lord has something better planned for me. Maybe I just have to wait on the Lord's plans for me & pray that He can give me enough strength & patience to wait on Him.

What I think is more depressing than my lack of a love life, is that I seem to have lost the friendships that I have formed in the past. Not that I blame them. I could be quite lazy & busy to keep in touch with any of them, and in the event that I do, I find that the gap between each of us has become as wide as the Pacific. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking about why & how we became friends & what we had in common, in the first place.

Latest case in point: The Sissies. The last 2 times I've been out with them seemed like going out with complete strangers. To think that some of us were quite inseparable just a mere 2 years ago. Sad thing is, I miss those times. Especially the times when Kari & I had those long heart-to-heart talks about anything & everything. Now, it seems like I hardly know her anymore. The Kari I knew then may seem like a meek child on the outside, but a deep soul on the inside. Now, we hardly even talk. When we see each other, we only have superficial exchanges followed by loud, noisy nights out, that I do not even enjoy. Then, absolutely nothing. We used to have a nice little bond, and I even considered her as a Best Friend. Now, we've been reduced to mere acquaintances. Tsk... Tsk... Tsk...

Another friendship that I feel that I've been cheated out of was the one I shared with my neighbor & fellow BLD Youth member, Iya. I can still remember the heartbreaking sunrise chat we shared at Shangri-La Mactan. The late night picnic at the Parking Lot of the Alabang Town Center. I used to share with her everything about my life & found comfort in her words of wisdom & her unconditional friendship. Now, I don't even know where she is, or what her number is. It's been years since I last heard her voice... I truly miss her.

In the end, I think, I am only going to be saved by the love that is given to me by a very few people who gave a damn... a very select few in my family who saw beyond the exterior... who saw me beyond the superficial... who saw the REAL me... who made me feel like I am doing something right in my life.

So, on this day of celebrating the gift of Love & Friendship, I want to say Thank You & I Love You to my Mom & Ate Mhin. I feel that my life has meaning & purpose because of your unconditional love, support & words of encouragement. I know that the Lord knows the prayers in my heart for the both of you. On days like these, when I feel abandoned & unloved, I remember the love you gave me, & I feel complete.

And to the 2 little ones who own my heart: Matthew & Luisa... Always know that Ninang Elain will always love you both no matter what. I miss you both sooo much & my heart aches that I can't hug, kiss & play with you like before. I promise that my love for the both of you will never change even if we're miles apart! Mwah!