February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day is just another day for me... Just another day of going through the daily routine of my life. And the only major event of my Valentine's Day was my Pediatric Nursing Midterm Exam. A major event, yes... yet a very disappointing one at that. I studied very hard, yet all the questions were like foreign language to me.

Enough dwelling on the Exam... I guess I just have to let it be.

Back to my lackluster Valentine's Day. I really hate days like these... They say Love is in the Air... Pray tell! Where does this air circulate? I seem to have never felt its breeze. These days leave me wondering if there is really something seriously wrong with me.

Am I scarred? Am I that horrendously uninteresting? Is my Mom the only real person who loves me? Do I have a warning sign on my forehead that says "Stay Away!!!"? What is wrong with me? Am I really that unattractive?!?

Depressing, I know.

I console myself with the thought that guys here in the Philippines can't handle me. That men here aren't ready for me. That they are intimidated of me. But why?

Sometimes, in my frustration regarding the state of my love life, or lack thereof, I'd think that maybe... just maybe... I might be better off liking women as well. But my better judgment & my heart tells me otherwise. Not that I have anything against same sex partners. I respect their choices & their happiness. Its just that I was not built that way. It just gets so frustrating sometimes.

I'd really like to be able to feel that warm, tingling feeling at the pit of my stomachabout someone. To hold that someone's hand & to find comfort in the silence between us. But alas! I guess the good Lord has something better planned for me. Maybe I just have to wait on the Lord's plans for me & pray that He can give me enough strength & patience to wait on Him.

What I think is more depressing than my lack of a love life, is that I seem to have lost the friendships that I have formed in the past. Not that I blame them. I could be quite lazy & busy to keep in touch with any of them, and in the event that I do, I find that the gap between each of us has become as wide as the Pacific. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking about why & how we became friends & what we had in common, in the first place.

Latest case in point: The Sissies. The last 2 times I've been out with them seemed like going out with complete strangers. To think that some of us were quite inseparable just a mere 2 years ago. Sad thing is, I miss those times. Especially the times when Kari & I had those long heart-to-heart talks about anything & everything. Now, it seems like I hardly know her anymore. The Kari I knew then may seem like a meek child on the outside, but a deep soul on the inside. Now, we hardly even talk. When we see each other, we only have superficial exchanges followed by loud, noisy nights out, that I do not even enjoy. Then, absolutely nothing. We used to have a nice little bond, and I even considered her as a Best Friend. Now, we've been reduced to mere acquaintances. Tsk... Tsk... Tsk...

Another friendship that I feel that I've been cheated out of was the one I shared with my neighbor & fellow BLD Youth member, Iya. I can still remember the heartbreaking sunrise chat we shared at Shangri-La Mactan. The late night picnic at the Parking Lot of the Alabang Town Center. I used to share with her everything about my life & found comfort in her words of wisdom & her unconditional friendship. Now, I don't even know where she is, or what her number is. It's been years since I last heard her voice... I truly miss her.

In the end, I think, I am only going to be saved by the love that is given to me by a very few people who gave a damn... a very select few in my family who saw beyond the exterior... who saw me beyond the superficial... who saw the REAL me... who made me feel like I am doing something right in my life.

So, on this day of celebrating the gift of Love & Friendship, I want to say Thank You & I Love You to my Mom & Ate Mhin. I feel that my life has meaning & purpose because of your unconditional love, support & words of encouragement. I know that the Lord knows the prayers in my heart for the both of you. On days like these, when I feel abandoned & unloved, I remember the love you gave me, & I feel complete.

And to the 2 little ones who own my heart: Matthew & Luisa... Always know that Ninang Elain will always love you both no matter what. I miss you both sooo much & my heart aches that I can't hug, kiss & play with you like before. I promise that my love for the both of you will never change even if we're miles apart! Mwah!

February 4, 2008

Even though I know I shouldn't, I still feel bad that Pabok was sent home without any warning. I couldn't look him in the eye nor bear hearing my Dad tell him that he's going home on the very day that he thought he was going to accompany my Dad. Nakakaawa talaga. My heart bleeds for him.

Somehow, I want to blame Dave for unjustly judging Pabok of stealing his iPod Shuffle. What if he just misplaced it & just forgot about it? Had he just given it to me, I would've been much happier. It was only a gift naman & he didn't buy it. Besides, he's got a lot of MP3 Players na naman. How many does a guy need, anyway?

Also, Dave doesn't have sufficient proof that Pabok really did steal his iPod Shuffle. Provided that he caught Pabok breaking into his room & going through his things & finding out that Pabok brought his digital camera to school, it's still not right to accuse the kid of stealing without sufficient proof.

Maybe in the future, when I have money, I'll send him & Michelle to school. I really want to help them out. I really pity those kids. Their lives got screwed up royally because of their Mom. She really does not deserve to have any children. She only thinks of herself. Now, she's totally paranoid, and is a certified nut case. I hope that their Dad can take care of the 2 kids better than if they were with their Mom.

Although I feel bad for him, I can't really do anything about it. I can only pray that he'll be able to reflect on the consequences of his actions, and find it in himself to change for the better.

On another note, what should've been a good get-together for my friend, Rachael's going away party, turned sour for me. Why, should you ask? Well, another friend, Anne, thought that she was being funny when she butts in and trashes at my every statement that I utter. I mean, I can bear it, and it could be funny at times, but dissing me the whole time?!?

She unambiguously stated that I'm absolutely clueless about girly stuff like make-up! To top it all off, she implied that I was a Lesbian, just because I do not have a love life. I mean, who cares?!? I'm happy with my life as it is. And to suggest otherwise, and putting malice to it, just rubs me off the wrong way. After she would lambaste me, she would casually laugh and say that she "loves" me & that she didn't really mean it... Blah, blah, blah. I mean, c'mon!

To think we were never really that close enough for her to suggest those things about me. Kari, maybe... But her?!?

If she thinks my lack of a Boyfriend is a sign of being gay or Lesbian, I'm so sorry to disappoint her, then. Is it my fault that I prefer to be more serious about my Schooling rather than partying the night away & lusting after every guy with a working penis?!? I know that these kids will never understand where I'm coming from. And just because I don't wear make-up all the time, doesn't mean I am a total moron about these things. I can do my own make-up, thank you very much. And yes, I do know what "Smoky Eyes" are and how to do them.

This is why sometimes I'd rather not hangout with them. They tend to be superficial sometimes. Too "right now" for my taste. I'm way past that. I prefer more quiet, subdued, mature, intellectual conversations rather than talks about Boys, MTV, sex, money & other superfluous nonsense. I'm past the clubbing phase, the Bar phase & the "Me, Myself & I" outlook.

That's why I appreciate my classmates now. They're more mature & more decent to talk to. Yes, they may be more "Jologs" and out of the social scene, but they are definitely, a better company.

I'm not trying to diss my other friends who like those things, its just that sometimes, some people try to change me into someone I am not and some people try to malign the person I am.

I don't have deep anecdotes or reflections on life, but somehow, my true self reveals itself more & more through my feelings. I just pray that the Lord will continue to bring me to where I'm supposed to go & who I'm supposed to be with.