April 27, 2008

Last night was the first time, in another very looong time, that I went to mass. I had to go with my Mom to Church since we'd be having dinner after. I could've just easily walked to the nearby Jollibee to wait out the Mass, but I found myself walking into the Church and sitting beside my Mom on the pew.

Eventhough the Mass was in Tagalog (which usually & most definitely gets me confused & distracted), I found myself finishing it without much ado. I must admit, though, I was distracted by this very cute baby infront of me. she was just sooo cute! I wanted to squish her! Hehe.

Back to my Church Experience. During Homily, the Priest talked about being alone and being lonely. He said that lot of people nowadays feel lonely or alone at a much younger age than before, causing a lot of lives cut short by suicides, etc. He also said that a lot of men do not want to go into the Priesthood because they think they would be alone -- meaning not having a family of their own, being uprooted from their families & growing old alone. It is not so, according to him. He said that you will never be alone because God is with you all the time. This made me think...

Maybe that is why, even though I am almost always alone, I don't really feel all that sad. In fact, I think clearly alone. I only feel sad when I think of events, people or things that I've lost touch with. I guess I'm just really the loner type. But I feel a sense of calm when I'm alone. i guess it's because God is the one that fills the void that needs to be filled. That is why I rarely feel alone.

So, that was my Church experience. I'm not saying that it will or will not happen again (my going to Church, that is), but I just wanted to share one of the very rare occasions that I felt at ease in Church.

Moral of the story: You are NEVER alone. God is always with us.

April 22, 2008

I'm pissed off right now. I came to class about 5 minutes late, but I managed to catch up with the lecture. Unfortunately, some of the stupid Generics (First Coursers) decided they're too good to listen to the Lecture and talked like mad with voices competing with that of our Professor's. It was very distracting, really.

After about 20-30 minutes into the Lecture, our Professor finally had enough of those Generics. He got really mad and, understandably, told off those unruly students. After losing track of the flow of his lecture, our Professor decided to cancel our class for the day.

A lot of us felt shortchanged. Just because those idiots didn't want to listen, we would all suffer. I just spoke to our Professor & asked if I could attend his next class at 6PM so that I would not lose time & money in lectures that I did not receive. Right now, I'm just killing off time so that I can attend the class.

I am not studying this hard so that I can lose precious lecture time no thanks to students who do not even care.

Anyway, that's my day so far. I just want to vent. I'm going to the Library next so that I can read the lecture in advance. See y'all!

April 21, 2008

Today was the Official First Day of Summer School. Last week's classes were cancelled since enrollment was still ongoing, and it would be unfair to the new enrollees if they missed the lectures.

Anyway, my first class is Medical & Surgical Nursing (Oxygenation & Fluids). It was cool since I learned a lot about how the blood is oxygenated and how exactly Oxygen that we inhale turns into Carbon Dioxide when we exhale. Cool process really.

However, I guess because I didn't get much sleep & had allergic rhinitis when I woke up, I felt very sleepy in the middle of the class. I fought my hardest to stay awake, and thankfully, I won! I'm really very interested in what I can learn from my classes, so I try to read in advance also. Unfortunately, we won't get our Syllabus until tomorrow, so I'll be reading blind.

I really don't mind if I don't get to have a long vacation in the next 2 years. That will follow, when I finally work as a Nurse. There's still retirement, anyways. Hehehe! No, really. I don't mind. As long as I can go to the beach at least twice a year's fine with me. I can do all my R&R at home, infront of the TV! Hahaha!

Lately, my migraine's been acting up. Hopefully, I don't get it as bad as I had before. I want to watch what I eat again, but it's hard to do that when everyone else in your house eats just about everything! Hehe. Now I'm craving for a nice juicy burger! Lol!

Anyway, I gotta go pick up my Mom from her Review so that we can go home together. We'll see how everything swings this summer. See y'all!

April 14, 2008

Today is the 1st Day of Summer School, and I cannot believe that I've been taking up Nursing for a year already. Truly, time flies fast. It was almost exactly a year ago that I quit working and started a life that I have left behind for over 7 years... a poor, non-earning, full-time student.

It is in looking back that I realize that I've learned so much: in both academics & life.

I've learned that Nurses should'nt be treated any differently than Doctors. They are not the "maids" or "helpers" in the Hospital to cater to your every whim. They bring the care factor in the healing process. Although there are thousands, or even millions, of students taking up Nursing, only a very few are meant to be REAL Nurses. I hope that I am one of them. It would be such a great honor to be a REAL Nurse.

When I first decided to get out of the workforce and finally stopped earning, I was genuinely afraid. I had been used to having my own money, going out whenever I felt like it, eating at great restaurants & spending not less than PhP500 a meal, & basically leaving the house with no less than PhP1500 in my wallet. Suddenly, I had to budget a meager PhP250 a day for everything I needed. Sometimes I would even have only PhP200, considering that my transportation costs would be around PhP150 a day. I felt lost. I felt poor. I was desperate.

About 6 months into my "state of poverty" I learned to, somehow, live with it. I began to adjust my lifestyle to my means and just stuck with the basics. I foregone my Postpaid Cellphone Line and got a Prepaid one, I ate in the School Canteen or cooked my own Lunch to save money. I also wrote my notes in Pad Papers, whcih I would compile later on, to save on Notebooks. I didn't go out much anymore, I didn't have any gimmicks, heck! I haven't even been to the Cinemas for the longest time!!!

But that doesn't mean I don't have a life... I do. It's just more simpler now. I enjoy hanging out with my classmates in McDonald's, Isetann or Jollibee just to talk. We also hang out in the library, testing each other during quizzes or exams. When I want to kill time, I walk around Isetann to cool off.

I learn a lot from my classmates. Most of my friends in school are older than I am, so I get to see the world in a more mature light. They help me live a simpler life & I enjoy it tremendously. And... It didn't matter if we didn't have much money, too! Hahaha!

I also made a huge turn around academically. When I was in High School & College, I was a free-spirit. I never really cared much about school. I slacked off a lot and for me, as long as I passed & didn't get a Red Mark in my High School Report Card or was still within the 24 Units allowable failures in College, I was happy. Now, I try & strive to be one of the best in every class that I have. So far, my lowest grade is a 2.5 (equivalent to 79-81%) in Anatomy & Physiology. It was acceptable enough for me considering that the highest grade that was given in that Subject was a 2.0 (equivalent to 85-87%).

I am quite proud of my achievements thus far, and to think that I never resorted or relied on kissing anyone's behind (particularly my Professors'). I got my grades solely on sheer hard-work and perseverance. Although I do feel bitter about those whose grades were "padded" because they tooted the Professor's horn rather well. It shows a disgusting lack of integrity on their part. I do applaus those Professors, though, who stand righteous and treat each student fairly, rewarding only those who truly deserve to be rewarded, regardless of anyone trying to become their "pet."

During our Hospital & Community Duties, I try not to be complacent. I do not want to be or consent to be mediocre. I give to our duties as much as I give to my Class Lectures. I would rather die than be unprepared.

See all those changes in me? Those, I think, are my greatest achievements so far. And it only took a year to happen. What more on this coming school year? I am praying and hoping for the best. I am looking forward to another year of learning and realizations. I just hope I could squeeze in a trip to the Beach at least once! Or maybe even twice! Hehehe!

April 10, 2008

I know I've been very slack with my blog posts lately. I've been concentrating on school stuff, and I must say it was well worth it... I was exempted from our Final Exams in Maternity Nursing & I am in the Top 10 (#6 to be more precise) in our Pediatric Nursing Class.

What can I say? I'm so proud of myself! I love to outdo myself, and I'm just finding out that I can do really well in school if I just work hard for it. My goals right now are to have no grades below 1.75 in each subject (except for the 2.5 I got in Anatomy on my 1st Summer of Nursing School, where I placed 3rd in class). This semester, the lowest grade I got was a 1.5. Whoop!

Anyway, I just wanted to drop in and let you guys know what's happening. Hopefully, this summer, I can have more time to drop a short entry or something. That's it for me right now. I'll be back again... Soon!

February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day is just another day for me... Just another day of going through the daily routine of my life. And the only major event of my Valentine's Day was my Pediatric Nursing Midterm Exam. A major event, yes... yet a very disappointing one at that. I studied very hard, yet all the questions were like foreign language to me.

Enough dwelling on the Exam... I guess I just have to let it be.

Back to my lackluster Valentine's Day. I really hate days like these... They say Love is in the Air... Pray tell! Where does this air circulate? I seem to have never felt its breeze. These days leave me wondering if there is really something seriously wrong with me.

Am I scarred? Am I that horrendously uninteresting? Is my Mom the only real person who loves me? Do I have a warning sign on my forehead that says "Stay Away!!!"? What is wrong with me? Am I really that unattractive?!?

Depressing, I know.

I console myself with the thought that guys here in the Philippines can't handle me. That men here aren't ready for me. That they are intimidated of me. But why?

Sometimes, in my frustration regarding the state of my love life, or lack thereof, I'd think that maybe... just maybe... I might be better off liking women as well. But my better judgment & my heart tells me otherwise. Not that I have anything against same sex partners. I respect their choices & their happiness. Its just that I was not built that way. It just gets so frustrating sometimes.

I'd really like to be able to feel that warm, tingling feeling at the pit of my stomachabout someone. To hold that someone's hand & to find comfort in the silence between us. But alas! I guess the good Lord has something better planned for me. Maybe I just have to wait on the Lord's plans for me & pray that He can give me enough strength & patience to wait on Him.

What I think is more depressing than my lack of a love life, is that I seem to have lost the friendships that I have formed in the past. Not that I blame them. I could be quite lazy & busy to keep in touch with any of them, and in the event that I do, I find that the gap between each of us has become as wide as the Pacific. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking about why & how we became friends & what we had in common, in the first place.

Latest case in point: The Sissies. The last 2 times I've been out with them seemed like going out with complete strangers. To think that some of us were quite inseparable just a mere 2 years ago. Sad thing is, I miss those times. Especially the times when Kari & I had those long heart-to-heart talks about anything & everything. Now, it seems like I hardly know her anymore. The Kari I knew then may seem like a meek child on the outside, but a deep soul on the inside. Now, we hardly even talk. When we see each other, we only have superficial exchanges followed by loud, noisy nights out, that I do not even enjoy. Then, absolutely nothing. We used to have a nice little bond, and I even considered her as a Best Friend. Now, we've been reduced to mere acquaintances. Tsk... Tsk... Tsk...

Another friendship that I feel that I've been cheated out of was the one I shared with my neighbor & fellow BLD Youth member, Iya. I can still remember the heartbreaking sunrise chat we shared at Shangri-La Mactan. The late night picnic at the Parking Lot of the Alabang Town Center. I used to share with her everything about my life & found comfort in her words of wisdom & her unconditional friendship. Now, I don't even know where she is, or what her number is. It's been years since I last heard her voice... I truly miss her.

In the end, I think, I am only going to be saved by the love that is given to me by a very few people who gave a damn... a very select few in my family who saw beyond the exterior... who saw me beyond the superficial... who saw the REAL me... who made me feel like I am doing something right in my life.

So, on this day of celebrating the gift of Love & Friendship, I want to say Thank You & I Love You to my Mom & Ate Mhin. I feel that my life has meaning & purpose because of your unconditional love, support & words of encouragement. I know that the Lord knows the prayers in my heart for the both of you. On days like these, when I feel abandoned & unloved, I remember the love you gave me, & I feel complete.

And to the 2 little ones who own my heart: Matthew & Luisa... Always know that Ninang Elain will always love you both no matter what. I miss you both sooo much & my heart aches that I can't hug, kiss & play with you like before. I promise that my love for the both of you will never change even if we're miles apart! Mwah!

February 4, 2008

Even though I know I shouldn't, I still feel bad that Pabok was sent home without any warning. I couldn't look him in the eye nor bear hearing my Dad tell him that he's going home on the very day that he thought he was going to accompany my Dad. Nakakaawa talaga. My heart bleeds for him.

Somehow, I want to blame Dave for unjustly judging Pabok of stealing his iPod Shuffle. What if he just misplaced it & just forgot about it? Had he just given it to me, I would've been much happier. It was only a gift naman & he didn't buy it. Besides, he's got a lot of MP3 Players na naman. How many does a guy need, anyway?

Also, Dave doesn't have sufficient proof that Pabok really did steal his iPod Shuffle. Provided that he caught Pabok breaking into his room & going through his things & finding out that Pabok brought his digital camera to school, it's still not right to accuse the kid of stealing without sufficient proof.

Maybe in the future, when I have money, I'll send him & Michelle to school. I really want to help them out. I really pity those kids. Their lives got screwed up royally because of their Mom. She really does not deserve to have any children. She only thinks of herself. Now, she's totally paranoid, and is a certified nut case. I hope that their Dad can take care of the 2 kids better than if they were with their Mom.

Although I feel bad for him, I can't really do anything about it. I can only pray that he'll be able to reflect on the consequences of his actions, and find it in himself to change for the better.

On another note, what should've been a good get-together for my friend, Rachael's going away party, turned sour for me. Why, should you ask? Well, another friend, Anne, thought that she was being funny when she butts in and trashes at my every statement that I utter. I mean, I can bear it, and it could be funny at times, but dissing me the whole time?!?

She unambiguously stated that I'm absolutely clueless about girly stuff like make-up! To top it all off, she implied that I was a Lesbian, just because I do not have a love life. I mean, who cares?!? I'm happy with my life as it is. And to suggest otherwise, and putting malice to it, just rubs me off the wrong way. After she would lambaste me, she would casually laugh and say that she "loves" me & that she didn't really mean it... Blah, blah, blah. I mean, c'mon!

To think we were never really that close enough for her to suggest those things about me. Kari, maybe... But her?!?

If she thinks my lack of a Boyfriend is a sign of being gay or Lesbian, I'm so sorry to disappoint her, then. Is it my fault that I prefer to be more serious about my Schooling rather than partying the night away & lusting after every guy with a working penis?!? I know that these kids will never understand where I'm coming from. And just because I don't wear make-up all the time, doesn't mean I am a total moron about these things. I can do my own make-up, thank you very much. And yes, I do know what "Smoky Eyes" are and how to do them.

This is why sometimes I'd rather not hangout with them. They tend to be superficial sometimes. Too "right now" for my taste. I'm way past that. I prefer more quiet, subdued, mature, intellectual conversations rather than talks about Boys, MTV, sex, money & other superfluous nonsense. I'm past the clubbing phase, the Bar phase & the "Me, Myself & I" outlook.

That's why I appreciate my classmates now. They're more mature & more decent to talk to. Yes, they may be more "Jologs" and out of the social scene, but they are definitely, a better company.

I'm not trying to diss my other friends who like those things, its just that sometimes, some people try to change me into someone I am not and some people try to malign the person I am.

I don't have deep anecdotes or reflections on life, but somehow, my true self reveals itself more & more through my feelings. I just pray that the Lord will continue to bring me to where I'm supposed to go & who I'm supposed to be with.

January 3, 2008

It's the 3rd day of the New Year, and so far... I dunno. It feels so darn bland. Nothing significant going on... At least in my life.

The only highlight of my Christmas Season was cooking & seeing my grown-up niece (Cheriz) & my cousins from my Mom's side last New Year's Day.

I just came back from a harrowing experience riding the Light Rail Transit (LRT) coming from my Duty in Caloocan. What usually takes 15-20 minutes, took almost 3 hours!!! Good thing we were able to get seats & were able to doze off during the long commute. It appears that the Railway system was affected by a Fire raging at the other end of the line, so all the trains were backed up. Had we been informed of the situation before we got our tickets, we could've just taken a Jeepney.

Anyway, I gotta make this short... This darn Internet Cafe I was unfortunate to enter does not have airconditioning & has a great abundance of mosquitoes. They do not even have printing services!!! For the love of God!!! Talk about desperation!!! I gotta look for another place to go online & do my research.

Happy New Years!!!

December 24, 2007

It's Christmas Eve here in the Philippines, and we're spending it with in my Aunt's house, also here in Paranaque. My cousins are here, but unlike last year, the little ones (my nephew & niece) are far away. The quiet is something to get used to.

Our Noche Buena (Christmas Dinner) came very early. Instead of having it at 12 Midnight, we had our Noche Buena at 10:00PM. We had some Pancit Malabon, Barbecued Pork Ribs, Baked Salmon, Mango Salsa, Lettuce Lumpia, & I forgot what else we had... Hehehe...

Right now, we're preparing to open our gifts... Haaayyy... Christmas this year is truly a peaceful & quiet one.

So, from our family to yours...

HAVE A VERY PEACEFUL, BLESSED CHRISTMAS & A BOUNTIFUL & SAFE NEW YEAR!!!

December 20, 2007

Its 5 days 'til Christmas, and yet I didn't see it coming... Call it POVERTY.

I just realized how being "in financial need" can take all the Holiday Spirit away. It sucks the fun out of the season. Well, I think I am not the only one in the Philippines to feel down & out this Christmas. Everyone's tightening their belts in hopes of saving up enough money for a decent Noche Buena (Christmas Dinner). Some haven't even started with their Christmas shopping (myself included)!

I thought I was on track with my Christmas Budget, until last Saturday. Well, I am not complaining, but I just never imagined that once before, I didn't care about money at all.

See, I went to a mini-reunion with my girl-friends from HSBC Fraud: Anne, Rachael, Camille & Karisa. We had dinner at Amoroma, which was very long overdue (Camille's been inviting us to eat there since we were in HSBC 2 years ago). For just a plate of Puttanesca, I spent 3 days worth of my allowance!!! That wouldn't have bothered me at all in the first 3 months of this year...

After dinner, we all decided to make most of our time together by going Clubbing at The Fort. I changed clothes & cracked open my tightly shut piggybank to get some money that'll get me by the rest of the evening.

We all went to Cuisine at the Embassy Bar to check out the scene. They were playing House Music, but nothing much was going on. It was even bordering on boring. So, we left (after a mid-priced drink with expensive tax & service charge) & went to Piedra.

We decided not to get drinks in Piedra anymore, since it was already quite late & we've already consumed 2 bottles of wine at dinner. Piedra was a whole new story. They played Hip-Hop/RNB Music, which I dig much better. They also had a more happening crowd. Everyone was dancing & not just standing around. The girls would tease me into taking the straps of my shirt down, but I'd always pull it back up. Hehehe. Fun, really.

All in all, I spent a week's worth of my allowance money in 1 night of partying. Tsk! Tsk! But I wouldn't trade it for the world! It's been forever since I've been with my Sissies, and I'd pay much more (if I can afford to) for another day with them. I miss talking to them everyday & bonding with them.

Those were the days...

In school, we just finished our 1st Community Rotation in Caloocan & it was ok. The highlight of my day was meeting John Andrei. He's soooo cute! He's a very healthy 4-month old baby boy who went to the Clinic to have his colds checked. I had a lot of pics taken with him 'coz he was just soooo... Ugh! He's just an Angel!

The worst thing about my day?!? I tell you... Nursing worries me sometimes... On our downtime at the Clinic, a patient sat beside me venting out her frustration at how long its been taking her to get her medicines from the Clinic. Turns out, she's got Pulmonary Tuberculosis!!! Aaaarrggghhh!!! I wanna see a Doctor, pronto!!! Oh Jesus!!! I hope I don't get contaminated!!!

So, that's the way it is right now... It's truly been a long time since I last posted anything, so I decided to post.

Just in case it comes & I am unable to swing by an Internet Cafe...

HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS & A PEACEFUL & BOUNTIFUL NEW YEAR!!!